I am so frustrated. And frustrated is just the right word for what I am.

The CD player in my father's car is broken, and I hate the radio, so now when I drive his car I am alone with my thoughts. And in these quiet moments my hypocrisy is realized, and my failings come through to the fore, and when I just can't take it anymore I turn the radio on, just in case. That happened today and "Let it be" was on. I feel like the electric guitar solo ruins that song.

I realize that I am just what I claim to despise, or at least what I am frustrated with in the world- is it each man's lot to be his own enemy? Probably not. Time remains to reform, but see! that's the thing: I am static. My time is uniformly wasted, and I have no claim to righteous action at any time. I feel so horrible. "Let it be" is just the wrong message, isn't it? I mean, it's a song about passivity, which is just the problem in the first place, is it not? Tell the Jews in World War Twos to "Let it be", see how far it gets them. Fucking Lennon. Fuck him.

My plan is to change. There is something new I'm trying out: Whenever I see anyone, even a stranger, I am very happy to see them. It's interesting. I like it. Perhaps through love, my position will improve? I hope so. It doesn't make sense, but, like communism, it's never really been tried, so despair would be ridiculous at this point.

Frustration with myself and with others come together- this is no coincidence.
The former is the cause, the latter the symptom. This is how it always is.
To love oneself is to fight society, because our society makes people hate themselves, or not even know themselves. It is this kind of person I wish to not become. And I am irate because it's happening anyway. If only knowing better were enough!

Just because a marionette knows it's a marionette doesn't free it from its strings. But its hands are tied! How can it cut itself away? Maybe there is no productivity. Nihilism?

But reason to get excited, the thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us that feel that life is but a joke.

No reason to get excited. Only seventeen and a little more than a half. If I put too much pressure on myself, I'll definitely wind up a peasant. Can't let that happen. But yeah, I don't know myself yet, so how can I build on that foundation? Is this what trusting yourself means? Probably.

Okay. But see... I can't just be like "yeah. I'll wait and see what happens." IMPULSE.

All we have to fear is fear itself.

If only knowing better were enough...