1. Each "consciousness" is a single point in the universe, and exists outside of the body it is connected to as well as other consciousnesses, and the outside world, too.

2. Each consciousness is bound by at least two threads (I'm not set with my theory or whatever yet, there could always be more): connection and understanding. Connection means interaction and desire based in the material world in which all consciousnesses reside (as far as we know). And understanding is like... realizing that all goes, and that attachment is vain. So these are the two extremes: life, which is connection, which is caring and action, and death, which is understanding, which is apathy and passiveness.

3. Now, control is introduced. Life is the attempt at control, and death is the realization and inevitable surrender to change. The ultimate understanding is that there is no control. The ultimate life is attempt at complete control.

4. Now, there is "happiness" and subjectivity. I started out thinking at the ultimate happiness is full understanding, because... well, because I consider true happiness to be preparation for death. You know how the saying goes "I'm so happy I could die right now." Or whatever. Well that's sort of how I see it. And the closer you are to death, then, the less of a transition it is, I guess? Like, if you are completely detached, then there is no loss in death. Death is wrong when the consciousness is unprepared. But then I thought that it's not absolute understanding, but the optimal mix of life and death, of understanding and connection, and this is what happiness is, and this is what we idolize.

5. Sports and art are the same thing because they seek a fals environment where life and death can be experienced simultaneously. Because, one problem in life is aimlessness. There is no absolute meaning. Art and sports create meaning by shrinking the world, to a finite number of words and characters, rules and players. Images. The infinity of the cosmos is reduced to a more manageable size, and this allows people to make specific goals. This, in turn, allows for "talent." I mean, there's a great baseball player named Albert Pujols. He's Amazing. But what would he be without a certain set of arbitrary rules? It's hard to say. He might be a very focused individual, but that's only because his goal is so simple. As a person, there are no easy goals because each consciousness is absolutely detached from its body and space, and so it exists on a different plane.

6. Everything is the same. All moments have the same weight to one's consciousness, because after all everything is infinitely distant. Feeling love is the same thing as feeling hungry. Which is the same thing as stubbing your toe. It's all just different levels of connection and understanding.

7. This is why I think there is a parallel universe: I feel like everything is stationary. That, if the universe is a function, if you derive it enough it comes to a constant at the end that determines could everything works on the higher levels of the equation. Like if the universe were x^5, it's final derivative would be... 120? Yeah. So our universe will have one underlying principle that holds it together, and somehow I also see this binding life and death. Now, you need another universe with an opposite value so that the net value is zero. Newton's third.

8. some understanding is needed to get the most of life, and some life is needed to gain understanding. So the two are not separate things so much as related variables that define all consciousnesses.

9. The universe is like soup, full of little things flying around. Some of these are conscious, but that doesn't mean they're not soup, too. I can get struck by lightning that is unconscious and die. Just as you can choose to throttle me, just as I can choose to kill myself. So, eahc consciousness is affected by three things: chance, the choices of others, and the choice of itself. Unconscious things are affected by only chance and outward choice.

10. It's not clear to me the extent that choice exists. If it exists, it is way overshadowed by chance. I mean, it's a matter of chance that choice exists at all. If our earth never appeared, we wouldn't be here to choose to smoke cigarettes or walk our dogs. You know?

11. Do you know what fundamental frequency is? Oh yeah! We talked about it. I think the whole universe depends on it. If you think of it was a liquid, then there are some waves in it, spirals of water, etc. And we exist in the context of this flow. When we act in accordance with it, it's harmonious, but when we go against it, there's either a big disturbance or we get "corrected." I'm thinking of civil rights for some reason. Or any social movement. It has to come at the right time, when the impulse of a person is added to the impulses of others, and conflicting agendas don't destroy all momentum. So you go Rosa Parks, Riots, MLK, everything in succession, building momentum by having the right frequency, which creates a larger change within the mass of consciousnesses they affect. Of course, momentum can also be lost. MLK gets assassinated, people's agendas take over, and all of a sudden things stop changing. It's like there's a spiral going in one direction and you starting pushing the water in the opposite direction. It stops.

12. Or sex. I thought of fundamental frequency in the context of the thrusts of a penis into a vagina. The muscles in the vagina contract, and then release. If the penis goes forward again just as the vagina reaches the end of its cycle, then the thrusts add together. But if he thrusts too soon, or too late, then they have a detrimental effect, and the sex is not enjoyable. Just as this staggering leads to orgasm, so do the propagations of other additive impulses lead to larger change.

13. I think sex is really important because it is our connection to life and death. Although, not all sex. Homosexual, oral, anal sex have no connection to life. But the sexual urge is one whose purpose involves the propagation of our species. This does not mean that heterosexual sex is more valid, because that requires the acceptance of the idea that the propagation of the human species is right or essential. It's not. Everything is distant.

14. I'm suspicious of cause and effect. And suspicious of human understanding of them, if they exist. All perspectives are flawed and incomplete, because there is an infinite amount of stuff. Or at least, way more than a human mind can ever comprehend. A consciousness, in other words, can never have a meaningful grasp on the universe because no matter how much it understands, there is an infinite amount to still understand. This is part of the reason why this theory does not exclude others. It is not an end. There are no ends.

15. Everything is at a step in a process, and its only which direction you're going in that matters. People are unhappy because they have the wrong mix of connection and understanding, and are thus unprepared for death. But if they try to alleviate this suffering by just making the balance worse, then not only are they still unprepared, but they are not even moving in the right direction. They become dependent, and this dependence is based on a delusion which amounts to a simplification of the cosmos. Money is a good example. Money is a human invention, but people live their lives as though it were some divine metric. But it's not, and it doesn't bring happiness.

16. The problem of too much life, and connection, should be obvious. There is no control, or even attempt at control, and one can easily be duped into caring about things that don't matter. But too much understanding has the other effect: not caring about things that might matter, or trying to have too much control.

17. Going back to the duplicity of consciousness, perhaps understanding is the part of identity that the consciousness creates for itself, and connection is the means by which it expresses that identity. In this way, it is obvious that a balance of the two is needed, because expressing a nonexistent identity is asinine and so is creating one you never share. Although, to a certain extent, all the things being distant, not sharing oneself is logical in a way, because in death, all things are eternally separated. But there is life before death, and this is important too.

18. Everything truly is relative. Meaning especially. I was just thinking "wow, I'm really a special person." But, really, that doesn't matter. In eighty years I'll be rotting (or less!), just like everyone else, and in the interim I'm still bound by many of the same limitations as others- biological, sociological, etc. In the scope of the universe, I'm not different than anyone else, or than a tree, or a rock, or a star. It really doesn't matter. Any difference is caused by perspective, and thus requires consciousness. And what I think is that these differences are connection. It's possible to withdraw, not let oneself be affected by the stimulae of existence, and become unattached from the world and oneself, even. And at that point, everything seems absolutely the same- all just soup in the universe.
tragic delirium gives way to long postponed joy.
it comes slowly to the boy that his handcuffed jumping beans could have long since been set loose.
but this revelation brings no external sign, and he sighs, like before,
though the cause for this sighing is now different, perhaps.

for what is change?
all is equal, all feelings are finally equivalent,
and though mountains and feelings erode into dust,
the state of existence doesn't change.

and so the boy recedes, past his foibles and past the foibles of others,
past the tactile sensations he experiences,
past the blood coursing in his veins,
past the neurons firing in his brain the allow to even think such thought,
for these things do not define him.

but then, what does? nothing.
his denominator is zero, as all denominators are,
and as all domination and denominations come to after a while.

and since these things pass,
as does existence,
the boy is totally free despite material roadblocks,
and he continues to sit, quite quietly, but secure,
in the knowledge and feeling of no expectation.
The fireflies are blinking at me
like your cigarette used to
and my mind is wand'ring,
also, like it used to.

And I'm sitting alone, in the dark of the night,
the way I have always done.
Here, and not here.
Her, and not her.
And nothing could be farther than you, who are eclipsed
by the motion of other spectral, planetary objects
which are not objectively objectionable.

And if my eyes dilate enough,
and my gaze is unsteady enough,
A pattern emerges in the sexual maturity of distant beings.

There, in the overwhelming but incomplete darkness,
I feel like myself, for once, but don't trust the feeling,
and after a while I crush it out.
How, said I, do you feel about the new Bob Dylan album,
To the version of Abe Lincoln that existed in Springfield, Illinois.

And he said to me you know, I dig it like I would did my own grave under certain circumstances.
And I said to Abe I said what would those circumstances be?

He said when each man is estranged from himself,
When a couple must worry about whether the world is something they would like to subject someone to.

And I thought to myself, what the fuck does this have to do with a Bob Dylan album? And wait- was that a positive or negative response?
I've regretted every decision I've ever made,
And my new idea about how this game should be played
Is to simply stop making choices.

Listening to the radio today,
Man, I hate the songs they play, but anyway,
This song came on that I did know,
And even though it brought me no
Pleasure, at least I knew the words, you know?

Gross like oral sex
At the cineplex.
I'm left bereft of any clue
Of how to get through to you.
My detective bag's got holes, you see
And your man from Tacoma, he follows me.

I'm the rudest nudist this side of the Mississippi
You though, must qualify as the lewdest buddhist,
Oh, fuck comparison- this is dippy.

The 200 hurdle was never my specialty.
I'm much to fertile, thou
Musn't let me curdle, now.

They are so quick to anoint you with the laurel wreath,
But when they speak of your morals,
They're decidedly brief.

You can say whatever you want to say,
And not say whatever you don't.
But don't look for me on the inevitable day
That you need me, because see me you won't.